The Certainty of Uncertainty and the Qualms of Writing During a Global Pandemic
This week, I spent much of my time wondering if I had COVID, or if the weather had just jumped twenty degrees overnight, and I was merely suffering from seasonal allergies. Either way, it sucked.
Photo by @steve_j from Unsplash.
“But I have my life, I’m living it. It’s twisted, exhausting, uncertain, and full of guilt, but nonetheless, there’s something there.”
Another thing that sucks? Writing. Yeah, I said it. Writing sucks. Why? Because I have anxiety, and it’s the most uncertain thing I could have decided to pursue, especially right now, in the midst of the worst pandemic in the last century.
Uncertainty is the most certain thing we can be sure of in this world, I suppose. But, something I’ve realized painfully after ascending too quickly and too alone into adulthood is that failure, though important, can be seriously detrimental.
Photo by @theblowup from Unsplash.
Fail, fail, fail. Fail until you get it right. Fail until you learn something. Fail, but only if you have six month’s rent saved in your bank account, or if you have a family you can go back to, or a support network you’re sure you can rely on.
So many times these past few months I’ve wondered if I have the drive, wherewithal, and the means to pursue creative writing full-time, and all of the above has stopped me. I have a stable job, health insurance, and plenty of free time - so why can’t I be happy with writing creatively on the side?
Because I want to enjoy my job. Simple as that. But the kicker is I’m too afraid of the uncertainty that comes with writing creatively full-time that I’ll tolerate a job with work that doesn’t interest me until it becomes unbearable. COVID makes this even more pronounced, along with the racking guilt I feel whenever I remember I’m lucky to have a job, even if I’m unhappy in it.
Anyway, per my usual meandering blog posts, I don’t have a real solution to this. Prioritize my happiness, maybe. Work to find a career that will be satisfying, that interests me and allows me to build and foster creative connections for my writing career. All I really know is that, right now, life is a little uncertain, and it’s only natural to be afraid of that. What matters is how I react in response.
Here’s a poem. Lemme know what you think.
This is how you fall in love
after Jeremy Zucker and Chelsea Cutler
Through noodle-drowning, udon-slurping, ramen-bursting days, & star-bitten skies we lie under at
night. You are the reason I survive through the
nightmares, through the horror of a life lived in
a one-bedroom apartment, when the weather is
too skin-piercing to run through fountains, to make
the curve of your lips take the shape of a laugh, so the
shape of a sunrise on a night we laid awake until
the birds chirped the day into existence.
